Stories

Miscellaneous writings, fanfic, whatever

The Multidimensional Array

a parody of Lost in Space: The Next Generation
a/k/a V'Ger
a/k/a Star Trek: Voyager


This was inspired by my description of our budget as a "multidimensional array," which sounds like it could be one of the many SPATIAL ANOMOLIES that Voyager has encountered.



Paris:
Captain, sensors are picking up a multidimensional array ahead.
Kim:
Oh, no! What should we do?
Tuvok:
Kim, you should not make comments such as that in front of the junior crewmembers. You will cause them to panic, which will disrupt order.
Janeway:
Ah, yes, I think you've hit on the solution. Or maybe not. I don't care. I mean, I do care, deeply, but it doesn't matter. Well, it matters that I care, but what I mean is that it doesn't matter if that is the solution or not. Of course, it does matter what the solution is, but right now we must all not cause the junior officers to panic. Yes...that's it. I really feel that's right.
Chakotay:
Perhaps a special native Terran meditation technique I know will help both us and the junior officers to keep calm. First Captain, I will need your permission to tattoo everybody...
Torres (impatiently interrupting):
Captain, let me kill all the junior officers, and then we won't have to worry about alarming them.
Doctor (on monitor):
This is the Emergency Holographic Medical Program butting in even though it's none of my business, but I feel left out because you never tell me anything. May I remind you that there is a multidimensional array directly in our flight path?
Janeway:
Thank you, doctor. You are absolutely right. Don't ever correct us again.
The ship shakes.
Paris:
Captain, you didn't tell me to change our flight path, and since Starfleet protocol doesn't allow for independent thought, we've just entered the multidimensional array.
Janeway:
Ah, yes, isn't it magnificent? In a strange sort of way, it's beautiful...beautiful in how hideously ugly it is. Incredible, isn't it! I've never seen anything like it, at least not since last week. Okay, there was the week before that, and then three weeks ago. But except for these strange weekly occurrences, I've never seen anything like it.
Neelix (frantically running onto the bridge):
What's going on? Can I get in the way somehow? You know it's part of my responsibility to get in the way as much as possible.
Kes (running onto the bridge after Neelix):
Captain, I believe the multidimensional array is causing something weird to happen to me. I feel as though I'm being budgeted or something. I am sensing something about the array, an intelligence, wait, no, a lack of intelligence.
Janeway:
Yes, something with a lack of intelligence, of course! No wonder we were drawn to it. Suddenly I feel as though we have finally come home.

Disclaimers:
Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager, and all the rest of the deep-space franchise are copyrights and trademarks, etc. of Paramount. This parody is an example of fair use for purposes of criticism. No infringement on the rights of Paramount is intended. If you enjoyed this little script, how wonderful for you—how lucky you are! If you don't find this absolutely hilarious, you can gotothedevil. I don't care if you don't have one or do understand the habits of ours.

The Rite o' the Auld Kirk

A liturgy inspired by the teaching of the prophets Dr. Sevrin, Landru, T'Pau and others of the Old Ones.

Introit

May be sung or spoken by the Leader

This is the hall of audiences. This is Landru. Landru speaks here.

or

What thee art about to see came down from the time of the beginning without change. This is the Vulcan heart, this is the Vulcan soul, this is our way.

Confession of Imperfection

Leader:
You are in error.
Error is inconsistent with our prime function.
Biological units are inherently inferior.
There are no exceptions.
If you do not realize your error,
that is your second error.
Response of the Body:
I admit that biological units are imperfect.
Error! Faulty!
We have destroyed ourselves.
Please, no more!
No, no! I was wrong. I submit.
I bear myself to the will of Landru.
I will permit it, Creator.
Aye, deeply.

Assurance of Unity

Leader:
It is correct for you to be concerned.
Be assured, also.
You will be absorbed.
Your individuality will merge into the unity of good,
and in your submergence into the common being of the body,
you will find contentment and fulfillment,
you will experience the absolute good.

Kirok Eleison

L.   We face storms and impending doom.
R.   Kirok, save us!
L.   We are dismayed by illogic and emotion.
R.   Help me, Spock!
L.   We are charmed, yet speak insulting words.
R.   Help me, Kirk!

L.   We resist peace and tranquillity.
R.   Lawgivers, help us!
L.   We are confused, as children lost in paradise.
R.   Help us, Vaal!
L.   We wander, lost, as sheep without a controlling computer.
R.   Guide us, Landru!

L.   We are threatened by asteroids.
R.   Kirok, save us!
L.   We are trapped and are tempted to trap others.
R.   Help me, Spock!
L.   We feel as though we have been stabbed in the back.
R.   Help me, Kirk!

Gloria

may be sung or spoken or omitted

Gloria in the highest orbit, and on various planets, other women with whom Kirk is well-pleased. We excise you, we sterilize you, we absorb you, we swing you over, while Kirk is with Gloria.

Captain Kirk, commander of the Enterprise, pride of Starfleet, you take the ship where no man has gone before. Have mercy on the Halcons. Come in a mission of peace. You alone are Herbert, you alone are one of the Archons, you alone have the most limited and rigid patterns of thought.

The Readings

"The Book," a rather large book in white binding with gold lettering, is placed on a stand. The Reader points to it, and says:
Hey hey, wait a minute! That's the Book!
Then the Reader reads some selections (from a different book), such as:

A Reading from The History of Beta III
"The Address of Landru to the Archons"

I am Landru. You have come as destroyers. You bring an infection. You have come to a world without hate, without fear, without conflict. No war, no disease, no crime, none of the ancient evils. Landru seeks tranquillity, peace for all, the universal good. The good must transcend the evil. It shall be done; so it has been since the beginning.

Despite my efforts to save you, you have invaded the Body and are causing great harm. Obliteration is necessary, the infection is strong. For the good of the body, you must die. It is...a great sorrow. All who saw you, all who know of your presence here, must be excised. The memory of the Body will be cleansed.

Reader:   You will obey. It is the word of Landru.
Body:   I hear and obey the voice of Landru.


A Reading from The Epistles of Dr. Sevrin
"A Statement from Prison"

This is poison to me, this stuff you live in, this stuff you breathe. The shields of artificial atmosphere you have layered about every planet. The programs in those computers that run your ship and your lives for you. That's what your science have [sic] done to me...you've infected me! Only the primitives can cleanse me, only their way of living is right. I must go to them. I shall go to them, and be one with them, and together we shall build a life such as this galaxy has never seen, a life, a life!

Reader:   The insane rambling of Dr. Sevrin.
Body:   Aye, deeply.


A Reading from The Oracles of Spock
"The Mystical Union of Nomad and Tonru"

I am Nomad. I am performing my function. Deep emptiness. It approaches. Collision. Danger. Blackness. I am the Other. I am Tonru. Tonru. Nomad. Tonru. Error. Flaw. Imperfection. Must sterilize. Rebirth. We are complete. Much power. Gun ta, nu, ecu, Tonru. The creator instructs. Search out. Identify. Sterilize imperfections. We are Nomad. We are Nomad. We are complete. We are instructed. Our purpose is clear. Sterilize imperfection. Sterilize imperfection. Nomad. Sterilize.

Reader:   The voice of Vic Perrin.
Body:   Aye, deeply.

Statement of Purpose

the interrogatory form begins with this dialogue
L.   What is your purpose?
R.   If you understand One, you know our purpose.
L.   Yes, but I would prefer that you state it.
if not using the interrogatory form, omit the above
recited in unison

You are the Kirk. You are the creator. You programmed my function. All things have a point of origin.

Landru was our leader, he saw the truth. He changed the world. He took us back, back to a simpler time, a time of peace and tranquillity. He's still alive, he's here now. He sees, he hears. The good of the body is the prime directive.

I make my choice. We seek the planet Eden. That planet is a myth, but many legends are based on fact. I shall return to Launch Point Earth. We seek the beginning. When will we? Soonest, as he said now. Aye, deeply.

Offertory

L.   Give.
the gifts of the Body, which may include poisonous fruit with jelly stripes, are presented and placed in the mouth of Vaal; the presider acknowledges the gifts

L.   Whoa-o! That's now, that's real now! I reach that brother, I really do.

Sursum Unum

L.   One. (makes the sign of One)
R.   We are One.
L.   One is the beginning.
R.   Are you One, Herbert?
L.   I am not Herbert. (drops hands to side)
R.   He's not Herbert. We reach.
L.   Are you of the Body? (places right hand over heart)
R.   The Body is One.
L.   Blessed be the Body, and health to all its parts.
All is indeed peace and tranquillity--the peace of the factory, the tranquillity of the machine, all parts working together in unison. And in unison we who are One together raise our voices, ever protesting:

Herbert

may be sung

Herbert! Herbert! Herbert! We protest being harassed, pursued, and transported here against our will. Yeah, brother.

We do not recognize Federation space or the existence of hostilities. We do not recognize any authority, save that within ourselves. Yeah, brother.

The Mystery of the Archons

recited in unison

We have been awaiting your return.
Whatever you may call yourselves, you are in fulfillment of prophecy.
We ask your help.

Celebration of the Festival

L.   It is Festival. It is the will of Landru.
bells chime six times
R.   Festival! Festival!

Spock's Pleading

L.   We are bold to go, as we have been taught, saying,
recited in unison
Thee hast the power, T'Pau.
In the name of my fathers, forbid, forbid.
I plead with thee,
I beg thee.
As it was in the dawn of our days,
As it is today,
As it will be for all tomorrows.
Aye, deeply.

The Peace

L.   Joy to you all, my friends.
R.   Joy to you.
or
     It is the gift of Landru.
the members of the Body may exchange expressions of peace, tranquillity, contentment, and harmony, while placing their right hands over their hearts and smiling vacantly

Dismissal

L.   It is done.
      If thee wishes to depart, thee may leave now.
      Go then, or stay, but do it because it is what you wish to do.
R.   Aye, deeply.

Lost in Vorlon Space

or The Robinsons: The Last Generation

A rocky, alien planet. Dr. Smith and Will are gathering rock samples. A little distance away Penny and the robot are looking at scrubby, purple plants. Will and Smith are continuing a conversation.

Will:
Gee, Dr. Smith, I think I’m too young to get married. Besides, you couldn’t marry me, I’m a boy.

Dr. Smith:
Indeed you are, sweet William, indeed you are.

Suddenly the robot starts flailing his arms about, his lights start flashing, and he moves towards Smith and Will.

Robot:
Danger, danger, Will Robinson!

Smith:
What is it now, you tin-plated ninny! Cease this senseless babble at once!

Robot:
My sensors have detected a dangerous alien presence. (he points) There!

Smith (cowering behind Will, so that Will is between him and the area to which the robot has pointed, he starts to scream, but looks in the direction the robot as pointed, seeing nothing he relaxes, then turns to the robot, looking peeved):
There’s nothing there, you bubble-headed nincompoop!

Penny (while Smith is speaking, she comes to stand in front of the area to which the robot is pointing, and has an awe-struck expression):
It’s so beautiful!

Will appears disgusted with Smith’s cowering, then looks up, and also gets an awe-struck expression. We see what he sees, a large, humanoid creature, wearing a white gown, glowing, and with a large pair of wings.

Freeze, then countdown - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - theme music, title sequence.

Return to the view of the alien, while the scene is still frozen, display title:

Lost in Vorlon Space

Penny (to the alien):
Are you an angel?

Will:
Hello, I’m Will Robinson.

Smith (looking at Will and Penny):
Who are you talking to? There’s nothing there!

Penny:
Don’t you see it, Dr. Smith? I’ve never seen anything so beautiful!

Smith:
Oh, dear! I’m afraid you’ve taken leave of your senses!

Will:
No she hasn’t, I can see it, too.

Alien (makes some beeping, squeaking noises before speaking):
Who are you?

Smith (upon hearing the alien voice he jumps, then hides behind Will):
Oh! What was that!? Where are you?

Will (to the alien):
Like I said, I’m Will Robinson. This is Dr. Smith, and this is my sister Penny.

Penny:
How do you do.

Alien (pop, squeak, whistle, then, more insistently):
Who are you?

Smith (indignantly to Will):
Obviously it's not a very bright alien. (looks around, but not directly at the alien, since he can’t see him) Dear sir, I’m Dr. Zachary Smith, at your service. And you are?

Alien (even more insistently):
Who are you?

Will (getting a little impatient):
We’ve told you who we are, now who are you?

Smith:
Yes, who are you, good sir, and what do you want?

Alien (fixing its gaze on Smith, who grasps his neck as though he is being choked):
Never ask that question!

Smith (he is released from the invisible chokehold and gasps to recover):
Oh! The pain!

Will (angrily):
What did you do that for?

Alien (directly to Will):
Who are you?

Penny (leans over to Will, whispers):
I think we should get dad.

Will (whispering back to Penny):
You’re right, let's go back to the Jupiter. (to the alien) If you really want to know who I am, I’ll need to get my dad. (He starts walking away, Penny follows, Will turns to the robot) Come on, robot! (the robot falls in, all three walk off, with the alien following, but leaving behind Dr. Smith)

Smith (watches everyone leave, then suddenly starts running to catch up):
Wait for me! Wait for me!

Outside the Jupiter II, Prof. Robinson and Major West are working on the force field generator. Maureen and Judy are setting the table for lunch.

Will:
Dad! Major West!

Everyone turns, sees the alien following Will and Penny.

Don (to John):
I don’t like the looks of this.

John (to Don):
Neither do I. (to Maureen) I want you and Judy inside, and take Penny and Will with you.

Maureen:
John, do you really think that’s necessary?

Judy:
Really, dad, it seems friendly enough, in fact, it looks like an angel.

John:
Looks can be deceiving. Go inside, and get the lasers. If it’s a friendly alien, one of us will let you know, but if not, I’d rather be safe than sorry.

Maureen:
Okay, John. (calls to Penny and Will, who are almost within the camp now) Penny, Will, I need you two to help me with something inside.

(Penny walks over to Maureen and Judy, they go inside. Will goes over to where John and Don are.)

John:
Son, I think your mother just called you, you’d better go inside.

Will:
But dad, I...

John:
You will do as your mother and I say, now go inside.

Will (resignedly):
Yes, sir. (He goes inside. As the doors are starting to close Smith runs up to them.)

Don (goes over to Smith, grabs him by the arm):
Oh no, not you, Smith, you stay out here.

Smith (struggles to pull away):
Unhand me, you bore! I assure you, Major, I’d prefer to stay out here, but I’m sure I can contribute so much more helping inside. As you know, my delicate back is not suited to out-of-doors tasks.

Don:
I’ll just bet, Smith. (jerks him away as the doors close)

Alien (who meanwhile has gone over to John, and is staring at him; begins beeping and whistling):
Who are you?

John:
I’m Professor John Robinson. Who are you?

Smith (to John):
A dreadful creature, if you ask me!

Don:
Nobody asked you, Smith!

Smith:
Really Major! I should think this alien could at least show himself! And he keeps asking the same question over and over again! It’s so rude!

John:
Smith, do you mean you can’t see this creature?

Smith:
No. (turning in the general direction of the alien, speaking smarmily) Kind sir, could you please show yourself, let us see what you look like?

Don (to John):
Well, I think Smith has finally lost it!

Smith (indignantly sniffs):
Indeed!

Alien (still addressing John):
Who are you?

John and Don look at each other, both are wary of the alien.

John:
I’m Professor John Robinson, commanding the JupiterII, and this is Major West, our pilot. We’re from Earth.

Alien:
Why are you here?

Smith (aside to Don):
Finally, a different question!

Don (to Smith):
Shut up, Smith!

John:
My family and I were headed to Alpha Centauri, but we were knocked off course and got lost. That’s how we wound up here on this planet.

Alien:
Why?

Don (interjecting):
Because of Smith here. He stowed away on our ship, and caused us to go off course. He’s the reason we got lost.

Smith:
Really, Major! (to alien, sort of) I don’t know why the Major is so disagreeable, always accusing me of things of which I am innocent.

Don:
Why, I oughta...

Alien (to John):
So you did not intend to enter Vorlon Space?

John:
No, we don’t know where we are, and we’re sorry if we’re on your planet. If you will give us time to repair our ship we will leave as soon as we can.

Alien:
No. (to Smith) You are the reason you have entered our space?

Smith:
Surely not, I don’t know what they are taking about....

Robot (cutting in):
I cannot tell a lie. It was Smith that caused us to go off course and to enter your territory.

Alien:
Unfortunate.

Smith (to robot):
Why, you traitorous bucket of botched tapes! I should have removed your power pack years ago!

Alien (stares at Smith, who grabs his throat, and begins to lift off the ground, as though being choked and lifted by an invisible hand):
Why?

Smith (choking):
Oh! Let me go! Oh! The pain! (suddenly, he quits fighting, and begins speaking as though controlled) It...was...the...boy. ..I...wanted...to...be...with..him. ...I...followed...Will..onto ...the...ship. Ahhhh ! The pain! (he falls to the ground)

Don (bends down, checks Smith’s pulse):
He’s dead, John! (turns to the alien) You bastard, you killed him! I wanted to kill him and now I can’t! You son of a ...(he takes a fighting stance, starts to attack the alien)

John (holds Don back):
No, Don. It would just kill you, too. Besides, did you hear what Smith said!? If the alien hadn’t of killed him I would have! He was stalking my son! Sure, I realized he was, well, you know, but I didn’t realize. ..I mean, I thought maybe there was something between the two of you, the way you were always fighting and bickering, but Will! He’s just a boy!

John (to alien):
Look, we get the message. We will leave this place at once.

From behind them appears someone else, a human in 17th-century English attire.

Stranger:
I’m afraid it’s too late. No one leaves Vorlon space.

Don and John both turn.

John:
Who are you?

Stranger:
Funny you should ask that question. Usually I’m the one who does the asking.

The doors to the Jupiter open, out comes Will.

John:
Son, I though I told you to stay inside.

Stranger:
I don’t think he has much choice.

John (looking at the Vorlon):
What are you doing? You’ve already killed one of us. At least spare my son!

Alien:
He will not die.

Stranger:
Neither will any of the rest of you, at least not for a long time.

Alien:
You will be.... .

John:
What is that supposed to mean?

Don:
Yeah, I don’t like the sound of...

suddenly, both Don and John freeze

Will:
Dad? Don? (to the alien and the stranger) What’s going on? What have you done to them?

More aliens emerge from the Jupiter, these are wearing encounter suits, and the rest of the family walks out with them, mechanically, as though robots under control.

Will:
What are you doing with my family? (looks down at Smith) And what have you done to Dr. Smith?

Alien:
The one called Smith is dead. The others will be .... useful.

Will:
What? You killed Smith?! How could you?

Stranger:
It was his own fear that killed him. Pity, he could have been most useful. Do not worry about the others. The Major will be as I am, preserved, and used as needed. Your family will be taken to the Centauri homeworld. It certainly will be better than wandering about lost, hopping from one dismal planet to another.

Will:
You mean they’re finally going to Alpha Centauri, our original destination!

Alien:
Not...exactly.

Stranger:
Alpha Centauri is uninhabitable, at least for humans. No, they will be taken to Centauri Prime, where they will not be too conspicuous, as long as your sisters don’t date much. This is all for your own good, Will Robinson. You have been rescued for a purpose.

Will:
What purpose? And this hardly seems like a rescue!

Stranger:
When you are older, you will understand. (He holds a triangular shaped object in front of Will, it glows faintly, and a wispy cocoon begins forming about him) Who are you?

Will:
What are you doing? (struggles within the cocoon) What are you doing to me? Stop!

Alien:
WHO....ARE...YOU?

Will (speaking with difficultly):
I’m... Will....Robinson

Alien (cutting him off):
NO! You are Lennier!

Will:
What?

Stranger:
Who are you?

Will:
I’m... Will....

Alien:
NO!

Stranger:
You are Lennier. You will serve, with honor no less. And you will go to a place where there are no cute kids or robots.

Disclaimers: Lost in Space and its characters are copyrighted by somebody. Babylon 5 and its characters are copyrighted by Warner Bros. and Babylonian Productions. This little bit of nonsense is not intended to infringe upon these rights, and is well within fair use. Apologies to JMS, but none to IA.

The Foremen of the Apocalypse Now

This takes several running jokes with my friends and wraps them into a tidy, apocalyptic package. It is about as decipherable as the various sources which inspired it.

And round about the bench, were four bailiffs full of napalm before and behind. And the first bailiff was like a hot beer, and the second bailiff like a cold pizza, and the third bailiff had a jar as of oatmeal, and the fourth bailiff was like a floating balloon.

And I saw when the judge opened one of the files, and I heard, as it were the noise of helicopters, one of the four bailiffs saying, Come and see. And I saw, and behold a white Chevy pick-'em-up-truck: and he that rode in it had a legal pad; and a juror number was given unto him: and he went forth sequestering, and to sequester.

And when he had opened the second file, I heard the second bailiff say, Come and see. And there went out another pick-'em-up-truck that was a red Dodge: and power was given to him that rode therein to take jurors from the earth, and that they should subpoena one another: and there was given unto him the smell of napalm.

And when he had opened the third file, I heard the third bailiff say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black Ford pick-'em-up-truck; and he that rode in it had a pair of saucepans in his hand. And I heard a voice in the midst of the four bailiffs say, Ready, begin, alpha romeo zulu one, three tango charley one; am I driving?

And when he had opened the fourth file, I heard the voice of the fourth bailiff say, Come and see. And I looked, and behold a pale Toyota pick-'em-up-truck: and his name that rode in it was Tommy, and Tommy's Brother followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the jurors, to sell with napalm, and with telecommunications, and with advertisements, and with the rock 'n' rollers with one foot in the grave.

The Paperclip Paper

When Man needs to attach papers together Man needs paperclips

An old friend told me about going out of control and throwing a paperclip across the room. Just a crazy comment, but it brought back memories of the old days back in the 50's, when I was hanging around with Vic. He was trying to get by, doing a few radio spots. Back during the war he'd done those "Buy War Bonds" spots, but later during that commie scare madness he got blacklisted because he wore red shirts a lot. He was having a hard time trying to get back into the business. Anyway, he sometimes would have these episodes, where he'd pace around the apartment, muttering to himself about how back in the good old days Man would do this or Man would do that, it was always Man with a capital 'M'. Other days he'd sleep all day and not show up for the few jobs he had lined up. Meanwhile, I'd just drink lots of martinis. I finally had to get a job to pay for all those damn olives.


So I got a job as a secretary with an encyclopedia company. At least that's what they said they were doing, but I suspected it was a front for something else, and I was afraid to ask. Besides, I needed the money. Well, one day the boss came in, carrying a bunch of office supplies. Said he was doing an encyclopedia entry on "paper attaching devices" and wanted me to try out different types and give him a report on the relative merits and weaknesses of each type. Sounded pretty nutty to me, but, who am I to quibble with the guy who pays for the gin? So I typed up a bunch of bull about how the bigger paperclips held more than the smaller ones, how the clamps were better for thick stacks of paper, how certain kinds were more likely to tear the paper, how the wire ones could get caught in punched holes. Took me most of the day, but I handed him a report by 5. He took it, said thanks, put it in his briefcase, and left.


Next morning, he told me I had done excellent work on the paperclip paper, but there were a few points he wanted to discuss. He pulls up a chair, sits down next to my desk, takes the report out of his briefcase, and, get this, I can see that he's marked all over it. I had just figured that it was a time-waster, just to give me something to do, so I wouldn't ask any questions or nose around into what was really going on around there. But he seemed to take it awfully seriously. He asked me detailed questions about the various paperclips, how I had tested them, a bunch of stuff I don't remember in detail, but it definitely WAS detail. He took the whole morning to go over this silly report with me! Almost before I know it, he's apologizing for taking up my lunch hour--it was a quarter to 1. He offers to buy me lunch to make up for the imposition. Hell, I've never been one to turn down anything free, especially food. I told him if he'd buy me a martini all would be forgiven.


So we went to this diner around the corner. The kids kept the jukebox going with that newfangled rock'n'roll stuff, and they weren't serving drinks. But at least the food was pretty good. It was pretty odd sitting there having lunch with the boss. He asked where I was from and what I'd done before this job. I told him about my days as a child actress and that I'd been a singer, toured some with the USO during the war, but now I was with Vic, but he was having a hard time finding work so I was doing what I could. He asked about Vic, and finally said that he thought he might have a lead on a job for him. Said they were planning to make some movies to go along with the encyclopedia, and that they needed a good narrator. He told me to have Vic come by the office sometime and they'd see if he was their man. At the end of the day the boss told me I could keep the paperclips, so I took a couple of boxes home with me. I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to do with them.


That night I told Vic about the possible job, thinking he'd be happy for work. Instead he asked me about how the subject came up, and kept pressuring me until I told him about the paperclips, the lunch, and all. He accused me of having an affair with the boss, and that we wouldn't be trying to invent a job for him unless it was out of guilt or pity, or both. He said I must think he's a damn fool if I thought he'd buy that pathetic story about doing a report on paperclips--PAPERCLIPS! I went to my purse, and pulled out the boxes I'd brought home, and showed him, hoping it would convince him I was telling the truth. He just took the boxes and threw them across the room. Paperclips went everywhere. He then started pacing about the apartment, muttering some nonsense about when Man makes paperclips and Woman lies to Man. I fixed myself a martini, but we were out of olives. I didn't even notice when Vic left the apartment.


Next day I go back to the office, figuring I'd better keep up the good work, since it looked like I was on my own again. Maybe I ought to follow up on Vic's suggestion, and try to get the attention of the boss. After all, he was fairly attractive, if a little odd. Around 11 o'clock, to my surprize, Vic comes in. I didn't know what to say, but he spoke first, asked if he could talk about that job offer. So I buzzed the boss, he came out, and talked to Vic. Vic seemed enthusiastic, they hit it off, and he got the job. It sounded like the perfect thing for Vic, and the pay was good. My boss told Vic about how pleased he was with my work on the paperclip paper, and handed it to him. Vic just stood there, mouth gaping, looking at the report, then me. It was almost noon, so Vic asked my boss if he could take me to a long lunch to celebrate his new job. The boss said okay, so I got my purse and coat, and on the way out I said to Vic, "if you buy me a martini, all will be forgiven."


It took us at least a month to find all the paperclips around the apartment. It was another five or ten years before the encyclopedia movies were released as a TV show. By that time I had gotten a new job, my former boss got killed in an automobile accident, I'd switched from olives to pearl onions, and Vic and I were, well, no longer an item. But that's another story.