The Rite o' the Auld Kirk

A liturgy inspired by the teaching of the prophets Dr. Sevrin, Landru, T'Pau and others of the Old Ones.

Introit

May be sung or spoken by the Leader

This is the hall of audiences. This is Landru. Landru speaks here.

or

What thee art about to see came down from the time of the beginning without change. This is the Vulcan heart, this is the Vulcan soul, this is our way.

Confession of Imperfection

Leader:
You are in error.
Error is inconsistent with our prime function.
Biological units are inherently inferior.
There are no exceptions.
If you do not realize your error,
that is your second error.
Response of the Body:
I admit that biological units are imperfect.
Error! Faulty!
We have destroyed ourselves.
Please, no more!
No, no! I was wrong. I submit.
I bear myself to the will of Landru.
I will permit it, Creator.
Aye, deeply.

Assurance of Unity

Leader:
It is correct for you to be concerned.
Be assured, also.
You will be absorbed.
Your individuality will merge into the unity of good,
and in your submergence into the common being of the body,
you will find contentment and fulfillment,
you will experience the absolute good.

Kirok Eleison

L.   We face storms and impending doom.
R.   Kirok, save us!
L.   We are dismayed by illogic and emotion.
R.   Help me, Spock!
L.   We are charmed, yet speak insulting words.
R.   Help me, Kirk!

L.   We resist peace and tranquillity.
R.   Lawgivers, help us!
L.   We are confused, as children lost in paradise.
R.   Help us, Vaal!
L.   We wander, lost, as sheep without a controlling computer.
R.   Guide us, Landru!

L.   We are threatened by asteroids.
R.   Kirok, save us!
L.   We are trapped and are tempted to trap others.
R.   Help me, Spock!
L.   We feel as though we have been stabbed in the back.
R.   Help me, Kirk!

Gloria

may be sung or spoken or omitted

Gloria in the highest orbit, and on various planets, other women with whom Kirk is well-pleased. We excise you, we sterilize you, we absorb you, we swing you over, while Kirk is with Gloria.

Captain Kirk, commander of the Enterprise, pride of Starfleet, you take the ship where no man has gone before. Have mercy on the Halcons. Come in a mission of peace. You alone are Herbert, you alone are one of the Archons, you alone have the most limited and rigid patterns of thought.

The Readings

"The Book," a rather large book in white binding with gold lettering, is placed on a stand. The Reader points to it, and says:
Hey hey, wait a minute! That's the Book!
Then the Reader reads some selections (from a different book), such as:

A Reading from The History of Beta III
"The Address of Landru to the Archons"

I am Landru. You have come as destroyers. You bring an infection. You have come to a world without hate, without fear, without conflict. No war, no disease, no crime, none of the ancient evils. Landru seeks tranquillity, peace for all, the universal good. The good must transcend the evil. It shall be done; so it has been since the beginning.

Despite my efforts to save you, you have invaded the Body and are causing great harm. Obliteration is necessary, the infection is strong. For the good of the body, you must die. It is...a great sorrow. All who saw you, all who know of your presence here, must be excised. The memory of the Body will be cleansed.

Reader:   You will obey. It is the word of Landru.
Body:   I hear and obey the voice of Landru.


A Reading from The Epistles of Dr. Sevrin
"A Statement from Prison"

This is poison to me, this stuff you live in, this stuff you breathe. The shields of artificial atmosphere you have layered about every planet. The programs in those computers that run your ship and your lives for you. That's what your science have [sic] done to me...you've infected me! Only the primitives can cleanse me, only their way of living is right. I must go to them. I shall go to them, and be one with them, and together we shall build a life such as this galaxy has never seen, a life, a life!

Reader:   The insane rambling of Dr. Sevrin.
Body:   Aye, deeply.


A Reading from The Oracles of Spock
"The Mystical Union of Nomad and Tonru"

I am Nomad. I am performing my function. Deep emptiness. It approaches. Collision. Danger. Blackness. I am the Other. I am Tonru. Tonru. Nomad. Tonru. Error. Flaw. Imperfection. Must sterilize. Rebirth. We are complete. Much power. Gun ta, nu, ecu, Tonru. The creator instructs. Search out. Identify. Sterilize imperfections. We are Nomad. We are Nomad. We are complete. We are instructed. Our purpose is clear. Sterilize imperfection. Sterilize imperfection. Nomad. Sterilize.

Reader:   The voice of Vic Perrin.
Body:   Aye, deeply.

Statement of Purpose

the interrogatory form begins with this dialogue
L.   What is your purpose?
R.   If you understand One, you know our purpose.
L.   Yes, but I would prefer that you state it.
if not using the interrogatory form, omit the above
recited in unison

You are the Kirk. You are the creator. You programmed my function. All things have a point of origin.

Landru was our leader, he saw the truth. He changed the world. He took us back, back to a simpler time, a time of peace and tranquillity. He's still alive, he's here now. He sees, he hears. The good of the body is the prime directive.

I make my choice. We seek the planet Eden. That planet is a myth, but many legends are based on fact. I shall return to Launch Point Earth. We seek the beginning. When will we? Soonest, as he said now. Aye, deeply.

Offertory

L.   Give.
the gifts of the Body, which may include poisonous fruit with jelly stripes, are presented and placed in the mouth of Vaal; the presider acknowledges the gifts

L.   Whoa-o! That's now, that's real now! I reach that brother, I really do.

Sursum Unum

L.   One. (makes the sign of One)
R.   We are One.
L.   One is the beginning.
R.   Are you One, Herbert?
L.   I am not Herbert. (drops hands to side)
R.   He's not Herbert. We reach.
L.   Are you of the Body? (places right hand over heart)
R.   The Body is One.
L.   Blessed be the Body, and health to all its parts.
All is indeed peace and tranquillity--the peace of the factory, the tranquillity of the machine, all parts working together in unison. And in unison we who are One together raise our voices, ever protesting:

Herbert

may be sung

Herbert! Herbert! Herbert! We protest being harassed, pursued, and transported here against our will. Yeah, brother.

We do not recognize Federation space or the existence of hostilities. We do not recognize any authority, save that within ourselves. Yeah, brother.

The Mystery of the Archons

recited in unison

We have been awaiting your return.
Whatever you may call yourselves, you are in fulfillment of prophecy.
We ask your help.

Celebration of the Festival

L.   It is Festival. It is the will of Landru.
bells chime six times
R.   Festival! Festival!

Spock's Pleading

L.   We are bold to go, as we have been taught, saying,
recited in unison
Thee hast the power, T'Pau.
In the name of my fathers, forbid, forbid.
I plead with thee,
I beg thee.
As it was in the dawn of our days,
As it is today,
As it will be for all tomorrows.
Aye, deeply.

The Peace

L.   Joy to you all, my friends.
R.   Joy to you.
or
     It is the gift of Landru.
the members of the Body may exchange expressions of peace, tranquillity, contentment, and harmony, while placing their right hands over their hearts and smiling vacantly

Dismissal

L.   It is done.
      If thee wishes to depart, thee may leave now.
      Go then, or stay, but do it because it is what you wish to do.
R.   Aye, deeply.