I should know better
The first time I knew that I was foolish;
This time I should have learned from my mistakes.
I should know better.
The first time the guy was only a couple of years younger than I;
This time I'm older by a decade.
Certainly I'm old enough to know better.
The first time at least I knew him well before I fell;
This time I only know him well enough to know we don't have as much in common.
While I wish I knew him better, I should know better.
I've never been beautiful;
The first time at least I was young.
Now I'm an old fool
Making the same mistakes of youth,
Falling for someone I know cannot possibly be interested in me.
Again I am misinterpreting friendliness or mere politeness
As something more,
Though I should know better.
Perhaps I have learned something:
The first time I wasted time and money
Making long-distance calls to one who'd never call me back,
Finding excuses to travel and visit friends,
Just to see him.
At least this time I've found someone local.
The first time I talked him into buying me a drink;
At least this time he voluntarily bought me two.
Yet that was foolish, too:
I stayed up far too late
(And got far too drunk)
Just so I could enjoy his company a little while longer
(Even while he was enjoying the company of someone else).
The first time we stayed up way too late without benefit of drink.
Perhaps this was better,
For I could enjoy the false intimacy of being drinking buddies.
He told me his sorrows,
I listened sympathetically,
Put my hand on his shoulder—
And pretended to forget, for that's the etiquette.
The first time I only dreamed that he grasped my hand,
This time he really did,
Though it was merely a friendly gesture—
And he was quite drunk,
So I have to pretend to forget that, too.
Still, it is more than I ever shared with my old friend.
Perhaps I did learn something from the first time:
I don't regret having been his friend,
I don't regret having said goodbye.
Sometimes I regret not letting him know how much I cared until it was too late.
Sometimes I regret not having flirted early on
Before I fell too hard,
When rejection would have been easy to take,
When it would have been possible to salvage the friendship.
I told myself next time I'd flirt,
Not push the guy away,
But give myself a chance,
Find out right away where I stood,
Then get over him before things got out of hand.
Yet here I go again...
At first I smiled a lot,
Tried to be charming,
But the more interested I become,
The more my instinct is to hide it,
The more I sabotage what little chance I have.
I should know better.
I pride myself on my intelligence,
As he well knows.
But does he know what a fool I truly am?
I suppose
It is better he should not know.
Revisited
I'd hoped I'd be spared this
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