Regrets
If regrets could be undone
I would have a full agenda.
It is just as well—
As it is, I don't have enough time
To do all that I should.
Ah, but if I could!
I should not have left home when I did.
I should have stayed nearer to my friends,
my family,
my home.
I should have returned a year later.
I should not have taken out so many loans.
I should not have pursued a degree I did not want.
I should have cut my losses.
I should have taken better care of myself,
I should not have had to reach the edge of pain.
I should be in much better condition by now.
I should not have abandoned my body while tending to my mind.
I should have returned later, when dad became sick.
I should have talked to dad more,
Even if he was reluctant.
I should have told him more often,
With less difficulty,
How much I loved him.
I should have pestered him with questions
Until he talked about his past,
his life,
his self.
Too much left unsaid.
I should have hinted years ago
At my growing admiration for my friend.
I should have been a better friend,
I should have encouraged him, not teased him.
Most recently, as he spoke of irony,
I should have told him the greatest irony:
That as he complained to me of his lack of admirers
His sympathetic friend found herself
Growing ever fonder of his company.
(I should not have gotten a dog.
I certainly should not have gotten a second one!)
I kept missing opportunities, afraid of the consequences.
It is too late now to move back home.
Had I stayed it would have been difficult,
I would have needed a job,
My friends would have still moved away.
I have a new home now,
It is a pleasant enough place
(Even with the dogs)—
Though I still miss my friends.
It is too late to redeem the time
And avoid the debts of wasted graduate school.
Had I left earlier
Or gone to a different school
I still would have needed loans.
Yet I can keep the knowledge I found there,
And continue paying down the debts.
It is too late to regain lost youth
And it is a slow process to undo what has been done.
It would have been difficult under the circumstances
To do all I should have done.
Yet I have begun to learn discipline and stewardship
And can continue to improve my health.
It is too late now to speak with my father.
Had I spoken it would have been awkward on us both,
I might have risked saying too much.
Yet I can still recall his memory,
And honor my father with my life.
Perhaps the Providence that has kept me
Even as I've wandered confused and lost,
Taking strange branches from the path,
Lacking the faith to take opportunities instead,
Will grant me this grace:
Perhaps it is not to late to speak to my friend.
If God will grant me one more chance,
I will try my best to take it.
I do not expect it to be easy,
Or even to turn out well.
If it does go well, perhaps
I will redeem the other wanderings.
If not, at least
I will have one less regret.
Even the stoics
Portraits
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