loyd.net

I have a morbid sense of humor. It's the only thing that keeps me alive.

If cleanliness is next to godliness, why settle for second best?

I'm so brilliant, my mom calls me daughter.

Given a list of n items, it is usually possible to recall n - 1 items.

My brain is like a red, red rose; it fades real fast, then dead, dead goes.

The only culture in my life is growing in my refrigerator.

There's no such thing as a stupid question, there are just stupid people.

Talking to one's self is a sign of genius...at least, that's what I tell myself.

My Theory of Relativity: The closer you approach your relatives, the slower time seems to go.

Half of one and six dozen of the other.

They say memory is the first thing to go. Well, I'm not sure if that's what they say or not. I just can't recall.

Life is...a magazine. It's also a cereal and a board game.

It's hard to install a sprinkler system when you're busy putting out fires.

Universities and psychiatric hospitals are all mental institutions.

There are three types of animals: Cats, Cat Servants, and Cat Food.

Think outside the hypercube.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. So when I tell you to "go fish" it's for your own good.

I used to not like children, but as I grow older, I've observed a certain quality that each and every child has, a wonderful quality that I greatly appreciate: they're not mine!